I apologize in advance for bein' mushy, but I suddenly remembered this senti song hehe.

I Just Wasn't Brave Enough

I should have told you
That I really love you
The very minute I saw you
I knew the love I felt was true

It's drivin' me crazy
Oh, I need you, baby
You're the only one I'll ever need
Tell me what to do and I'll take your lead.

Refrain
But I waited far too long
Now you're in someone else's arms
It's tearing me apart
If I only knew
You could have been my girl.

Chorus
I just wasn't brave enough (woh-woh)
To tell you all the things I feel are true
That this heart of mine beats just for you
And I realize that I just wasn't brave enough
Now the only thing that's left for me
Are the tears and regrets
'Cause I just wasn't brave enough.

I'm still dreaming of these crazy feelings
Just don't know what else to do
I just can't get over you
I want to tell you that I really need you
If I could only give the world to you
Just to prove my love for you is true.

...enough.


And the pain I feel is just too much
When I see you in his arms
'Cause I just wasn't brave enough.

"Sportscar! 'Yung red!"

Bwahaha! This commercial cracks me up each time I see it. I also like the Karaoke AdCongress commercial. "All we can say is... sorry." Hehehe.

I heard "I'm Still Here" by Vertical Horizon again on the radio. Really like this song. Gee... I really miss my best friend. Still not used to it. I remember her each time I hear a Plumb song. Or a senti song like "I'm Still Here." But then again, she isn't.

My tumtum aches. I think I ate too much. Spare ribs with suka. Yummy! And then we had lunch at Gilligan's Island in Makati 'coz it wuz Lola Tinay's 89th birthday. I had 2 cups of garlic rice, calamaris, SISIG!!!!, lechon kawali, and blue marlin barbecue. Then my fave mango ref cake for dessert. It wuz weird seeing my relatives again. They just look older and older each year. Mico is 14 already. 14!!! He used to be a baby! It wasn't so long ago that I was 14... I can still remember some memories attached to that age. Yet I haven't been 14 in over a decade!

Before lunch, I went to Power Plant in Rockwell. Lotsa new comics!!! No money hehe. Then I ran into Tina in Glorietta. She shared a really nice story 'bout her mom. I'm very happy for her :)

After lunch, I went to Book Sale. I was able to buy Flash (including Blitz part 1 - great Reverse Flash origin issue) and some books I read when I wuz a kid ("The Black Pearl," "How to Eat Fried Worms" and "Sheila the Great" by Judy Blume). The last book I've always wanted to read when I was a kid but I couldn't find it anywhere. Funny finding it now. I enjoyed her other books when I was a kid ("Tales of a Fourth Grade Nothing" and "Superfudge"). I also liked her adult novel "Summer Sisters" which I got in Baguio when I was there with Mai and Vera early this year. Then I went to the usual stores I go to each time I go out. Filbars, Powerbooks and Fully Booked. At Fully Booked, I bumped into Xavier, Rico and Kit. Rico told me that "Schism" in X-treme X-Men is good, so I'll try and read it soon.

Yesterday, I went to Greenhills with James. I was able to find a replica issue of Batgirl's 1st appearance. There are so many new games that I wanna buy, but I know that even if I buy 'em, I wouldn't have the time to play with them. Then James got another set of Cds from Francis. He was so excited about the latest Chicane album!!!

This week's gonna be so stressful. I can forsee it. From Monday to Saturday, we're going to have another "Open House/Job Fair" and I'll be doin' test admin again. I'm gonna be tired at the end of each day. This coming Sunday's gonna be fun tho, 'coz at church, Dad invited the street kids that they're teaching. I was touched by what he said this evening.

"I want you to be there. I know that you wouldn't just tolerate them and that you'd enjoy mingling with them - - never mattered to you."

Wow.

I suddenly missed teaching street kids back when I was with CLC (Christian Life Community). And Tulong Dunong. RIP Father O' Brien. He wuz our class adviser back in 4th Year.

Friday, I watched the San Miguel Orchestra in Podium with TinTin, Erik and Eunice. They were really good! They even sang "Mr. Suave" hehehe. We also ate at Thai in a Box. Yumyum!

My fave lines from "I'm Still Here:"

Maybe tonight it's gonna be alright
I will get better
Maybe today it's gonna be okay
I will remember

It's rainin' really hard. I love sleeping in this weather :)

I wonder why I usually start my blogs with the food that I ate. Anyways, Mark ate dinner here. We had pansit sotanghon with mushrooms, cheese sticks (plain and pimiento), puto with butter or cheese, syrup-glazed turon, chicharon, and meringue. I'm stuffed yet again, hehe.

Something my mom said early this morning made my blood freeze. She asked me if our health service provider included dependents. She said that their current provider wuz doubling its fee. Then she added that as they grew older, health care providers became more of a necessity. That stung me. It really did. My parents are getting older. It's hard to imagine 'coz they're both such kids-at-heart. I still can't believe that they're in their 50's. They sure don't look it.

I... I just get bummed out whenever I realize that our mortality is real. Especially if they involve people I love. I still carry a small grudge over what happened early this year. I've learned to forgive them, but forgetting takes more time. When I was struck with pneumonia and asthmatic bronchitis March of this year, I found out who my real friends were. At the height of the SARS scare, I found out who really cared. Looking back, I can't believe I lived through that. Whatta struggle! Everything ached. My head, my throat, my nose, my chest, my lungs, my eyes, my back... I don't ever wanna get that sick again! Felt so vulnerable. Funny it happened after seeing my ex again for the last time.

Anyways...

Sad to say, that was also the time that I realized my folks didn't love me as much as they do my sisters. I always thought that they loved me and stuff. I've always tried to be a good son, aimed for honors and high grades, and stayed away from alcohol, yosi and drugs. Still...

But yeah, they love me. Just not as much. Regardless, I still love the two of 'em very much, but ever since I got well again, I've detached myself from them. Sure, we laugh around and still talk now and then, but I see things a lil differently now. Don't wanna expect anymore. That was also the turning point in my relationships with other people. I withdrew nto myself more.

Hm.

Anyways, here's a piece I wrote July of this year. One of the many that i wanted to send to Youngblood but at the last minute, I'd always chicken out.

"Coming Home"

It's 4:00 am. Do you know where your children are?

I just got home and I automatically turned on my pc to check on some stuff. I remembered something I saw earlier this evening. My friends and I were walking along the surprisingly deserted streets of Rockwell, when I saw this kid walking with his parents. He was waving goodbye to them and started down the road when his dad shouted "what time will you get home?" I saw the guy give his dad an irritated look before walking away.

I thought to myself, parents love nagging their kids. Each time you're about to leave the house, the standard MOMoperating procedures take into effect. Where are you going? What time will you be home? Who are you going out with? Don't stay out too late. Don't drink too much. Etc, etc. I used to hate this... until my parents started to look older.

When you see gray hair invading your parents scalps, when you see wrinkles form all over their faces, when you see that they get tired so easily and they sleep earlier than usual. When you realize that they won't live forever, not like when you were a kid when you believed that they will always be there... that's when you begin to miss them. And you start feeling like a kid again.

With everything that you hear, read and see in the news, it feels good to know that your parents still care about your welfare. I guess no matter what age we reach, we will always be a kid in their eyes. No matter what. The world outside that we visit each time we leave the house will always remain dangerous. Scary. Unpredictable. They just want our assurance that we will stay alert and cautious. Doesn't take much to give that. For their peace of mind, letting them know that we would be careful would mean more than we think.

Before my childhood friend was killed a little over 2 months ago, he was extra-sweet to his wife. He told her how much he loved her and even texted her a couple of times before his car rammed the Makati tunnel after falling asleep on the wheel. Our mortality is guaranteed. It would be nice if our parents knew that our love for them is guaranteed as well. Never hurts to say "I love you." Or "I'm home. And safely stuck in front of the computer, sharing my thoughts."

It's 4:15 am. My parents know their child is home.

I just told them.

Tuesday evening. Adobo for dinner. The sauce's really thick so the meat's really juicy and tender. Before leaving for Boston, Cathy loaned me her FRIENDS Vcd collection. I've been watching some episodes for the past few days and it's been a lot of fun! Last night, I watched the events leading to Monica and Chandler's wedding, including the wedding itself.

Wow...

It's cool seeing how the two got together. Cooler still to see their relationship progress and evolve into an end product neither of them expected. For some people, attraction can be developed, and as it was with Monica and Chandler, friendship would serve as the foundation for the romantic relationship. Unfortunately, that doesn't happen to me. I have to find the person cute first. Not to come off as superficial, but I've never been romantically attracted to someone I didn't find cute to begin with. Of course, physical appearance isn't the end-all, be-all. I would be a hypocrite tho if I didn't admit that it was a factor.

Cute by the way is very subjective, and as my friends all know, my taste is weird at times. The person doesn't have to be universally cute... I've had a few crushes which my friends find unexplainable (isn't that right, Cathy, hehe).

I also find it very hard to be myself when I'm with a crush. I clam up, act aloof, and hardly pay attention to the person. Normally, I interact with people a lot, especially in big groups and parties, but if my crush is there, I talk to everyone but my crush. My most recent ex knows this, hehe. When I first met my ex, I ignored my ex completely. Talked to everyone but my ex. Cracked jokes and smiled warmly at all but my ex. It's not intentional. It just happens. Def mech, I guess.

Hmmm... I have 2 crushes this year, which is a big improvement over having just one crush last year hehe. Unfortunately, I found out that one of 'em is taken (big rule for me, if the person's taken, hands off), and the other's prolly not interested. Hehehe. Ah well.

Goin home this evening, a painful thought hit me. This is the FIRST Christmas (well 1st since '95 hehe) which Cathy and I aren't spending together. Actually, we get together on the 24th. Then of course, it's family during Christmas Eve, after which I go to her house after noche buena.

I remember one Christmas where I went there early morning. I was so tired, I fell asleep, but not before telling Cathy to wake me up eaaaaaarrrrrlllllllyyyyy in the morning... that's 'coz I had a 6 am shift on Christmas morning! I really enjoyed goin' to work that day. I got to escape from huge family gatherings. Valid reason, I had to work after all. Spendin' Christmas with my friends at work wuz a lotta fun, and the best part was findin' out that the gift my Team Supervisor gave me wuz RECYCLED!!! My friends and I were all laughing our guts out when the card written by his relative fell from the box flap!

Sigh. I'm not looking forward to this Christmas. 1st time I'm stayin' home on the 24th. And Popoy's dating, so I can't trick him hehe. I'm happy Popoy finally found someone. Who'd have thought, 'coz the two are complete opposites hehehe. Cathy, does it snow in Boston? Send me some, ayt?

I still can't believe that the X-Men's new member, Xorn, is really Magneto. Wonder how many saw that coming. I sure didn't. And he's been hiding under the X-Men's noses the whole time. The countdown to issue #150 has begun. I can't wait to see how this all plays out.

And Polaris is really Magneto's daugher... this is unbelievable!!! That scene where people she knew were dying left and right in Genosha, and her inability to do anythin' 'bout it... no wonder she went loco! She just heard their screams and shouts without knowin' who to save first.

People... just... died...

And X-Corporation in Los Angeles. I read somewhere that Sunspot's leading this team. Can't wait for the next issues!!! I got Wildguard #1 early this Evening. I'll read it tonight before goin' to bed.

Today was somewhat nostalgic. I did test admin again after not doing it for the longest time!!! I love welcoming applicants and making them feel comfy and less nervous. I hate it when people fail the exams :( I know nothing I say can make them feel better, but I try. I can't believe I administered exams at my office for one full year! It used to be a part of my daily routine. It wuz fun doin' it again :)

I missed TinTin at work today. That's two days in a row, 'coz she had the job fair at Shangri-La to go to.

Popoy texted me and said I better join 'em on Saturday. I haven't seen the two for the longest time. I'm a lil lazy to go out... I texted back "I'll try," or somethin' to that effect, hehehe. Standard "AL" response.

I ordered the complete set of Final Fantasy 8 figures for next payday. Talk about retro hehe.

It's been a good day. Can't complain. Runnin' low on cash, tho. How come I had more money when I wuz in a relationship? Oh right, I'd sacrifice some of my hobbies so we'd have money to go out. Hehehe.

Tomorrow, we're halfway through the week. Yay!!!!!!!!!!!

I woke up really early this Sunday morning. I just opened my Friendster, 'coz I was waiting for a reply from someone hehehe. Time to go back to bed again. The luxuries of a Sunday :)

I'm stuffed! For merienda, I ate 3 slices of pizza with thick, cheese-filled crusts. For dinner, I can see from this angle that we have spare ribs and pasta. I think I'm eating late tonight. Saturday morning was okay. Work as usual. I liked the applicant that I interviewed. Her name is Rachel, and she came from eTelecare. Currently, she's a dubber for anime programs, same as Lennard. Funny thing is she knows Lennard, and he was the one who invited her to join our company. Small world.

Lunch was good. Tina ordered Chinese food for the team. After work, Tonichi and I went to Megamall to comic shop (yay!). Eunice and Roden rode with us to Mega. They're such a cute couple! They were already together, even before joinin' PS. Now they work together hehe.

Bad news. Due to that restriction thing with certain comic titles, I wasn't able to get Masters of the Universe: Rise of the Snake Men. I got the latest installment of "The Draco" tho, for the Uncanny X-Men. Can't wait to read and see if Polaris is indeed Magneto's daughter! I also got Emma Frost #3. Funny, 'coz while Tonichi and I chatted with the salesladies, turned out they read comics too! They started readin' with Emma Frost and Namor hehe. We went to Globe soon after 'coz Tonichi had to pay his bill. Tonichi's a funny guy, it was his first time to pay using the automated teller! For someone who's highly technical, it sure took him a long time in paying (and not because there was a line, hehehe). At Toy Kingdom, we saw the X-Men Legends and Marvel Urban Legends boxed sets! I liked the Rogue fig and the maskless Wolvie fig as well. Can't buy them at this point, tho. Then Ninoy texted me that the Goliath fig was available at Greenhills for P1,900!!! Argh! I think it wouldn't be too practical to pay that amount for something that was priced at P375 originally.

Hmmm. Readin the paragraphs I just typed, I guess I come off as some clueless materialistic dork. Hehehe :P Have I changed that much? If blogs existed back when I was in high school, I prolly would have come up with a piece with much introspection. Chalk it up to the "A-boy" upbringing, hehehe. There are days (or even months) when I just wanna ramble and act shallow. Hmmm. Is it really an act? :P

Anyways, I'm stayin' home tonight. Come home soon, Cathy Buena.

Hahaha! It's evening and I decided to visit the toy store tomorrow instead. I don't want to drive through Friday traffic, so I'm putting off my "toy inspection" for another day.

I bought a lot of CDs from Francis the other night. I was really happy 'bout the purchase 'coz I miss listening to music. I haven't bought a new CD in a looooooooonnnnnnnnnnggggg time. Back in '99, I'd buy at least one CD a week! I got:

Eve 6 because of "Here's To the Night."
Gin Blossoms because of "As Long As It Matters."
Vertical Horizon because of "Heart In Hand."
All Saints because of "Black Coffee."
Goo Goo Dolls because of "Black Balloon."
Duncan Sheik because of "Half-life."

The last song is my current fave. Something about the song just makes my hairs stand on end. Same thing happens when I watch "Wonder Years."

Every night after work, I listen to my new CDs. Music really relaxes me. I always feel good whenever I pop a CD into my player and just lie down on the bed to think. And feel.

It's... a... Friday!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Last night was pretty surreal. After work, I asked James (my childhood pal) to accompany me to Santolan to check out some cards and comic books for sale. The seller had a lot of really cool card collections for sale, but I didn't have much cash on hand so I just picked out some comic books instead. Cool buys include a Spider-Man Blast From the Past Annual, Ben Reilly as Spider-Man books, and James got some of Jim Lee's Fantastic Four run.

The weird part was the discussion afterwards. Turns out the guy (Jersy Co) is, for lack of a more appropriate term, a spiritual motivator. Like James, he's a Christian as well, so he had a lot of very interesting insights to share. The discussion lasted for a long time, and Jersy had a lot of questions that would just stop and make you think. I've been really busy with work, so it's been a long time since I stopped just to think and contemplate. I'm glad I had the opportunity to do that last night. It's Cathy I talk to whenever I take stock of what's happenin' in my life. With her absence, I guess I haven't been doing much introspection (add to that a very busy work schedule, hehehe)

Ah well. Off to do some interviews! Can't wait for the day to end, as Ninoy told me that the boxed sets of both X-Men and Marvel Urban Legends are out on the market! Gotta go see these.

Good morning! What a great Thursday morning!!! It's great 'coz it's Thursday, which means tomorrow is a Friday, which means the weekend's almost here! Hehehe! Not that it's really going to be a weekend, 'coz we have work on Saturdays. :)

I gulped down my breakfast in just 5 minutes!!! Ham and egg... yumyum! Last night, I rested my eyes a bit with the intention of waking up in a few minutes to eat my dinner. When I opened my eyes, it was 3 in the morning! Since it was the witching hour, I didn't go up anymore (for those who haven't been to my house, my room is in the basement. It's kewl 'coz it seems like a whole different world downstairs, and no one really bothers me much). I just replied to a few text messages and then went back to sleep. I slept without eating. Bummer.

Anyways, I'm off to the bathcave (hehe) and then work once again. I'm excited for the day to end 'coz tonight, I'm goin' to Santolan. I got to talk to this guy last night via bidshot.com who said that he had loads of comic books, action figs, and cards to sell!!! I hope I get to buy a lotta good stuff tonight.

Once again, good morning to all!!! :)

I used to think that publishing an online journal reflects the writer's ego and self-centeredness. However, I started reading my friend Karlo's blogspot, and I came to realize that this would be a good venue to dissect how I feel and document the things that I go through WHILE I'm goin' through them. Memories can only go so far, and it would be nice to have access to the "me that was" when I become the "me that's yet to be."

I never felt comfortable about sharing my problems and my thoughts with other people. I haven't even cried in the longest time. The only exception, the only person who knows a lot of my deepest thoughts and feelings is my best friend Cathy. Now, for the 1st time in our entire lives, the most important person in my life has been separated from me. Cathy moved to Boston middle of this year to pursue a masteral degree. I have never felt so alone as I do these days.

I have almost always detached myself from my emotions. Doing so minimizes pain, and sometimes I deceive myself into thinking that emotional pain has been eliminated completely from my life. My greatest fear is turning apathetic for real.

Writing this, I feel like I'm writing to Cathy. Thinking this way makes it easier to be truthful and honest to myself and whoever bothers to read this journal. And that's the way I want this blogspot to be. Real.